For a long long time as I mentioned in my first post I was struggling with my job. I read articles on how to quit your job, read articles on what to do after, read articles on how to mourn your job, and your work family, I’d already been on a journey of letting go from several break ups and a whole year of mental stress that others don’t seem on the outside, externally I’m an exceptionally calm person.
I struggled with the fear of quitting, I struggled with wondering if I was doing the right thing or if I just needed a short break, and the more I thought about it and read, the more I realised things at work were only holding me over, they were not going to get better no matter how much of a break I took.
so I started to get depressed and devalue my worth and feel shitty about it all.
I stopped learning I stopped feeling excited, I stopped giving a fuck , which lead me to the article by mark manson, the sublte art of not giving a fuck.
I kept reading I kept avoiding I kept talking about quitting and I just couldn’t do it.
I decided to take a trip to Texas, and see an old friend, who I hold in high regard.
I was out of my usual mindset for a while in an environment that ment I could BE someone else for a bit , and do something else for a bit with people I trusted.
I found this article.
and I read shit loads on tiny buddha.
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/when-you-hate-your-job-change-may-be-hard-but-its-worth-it/ that followed up 3 months after.
it helped solidify my through process, helped solidify what I wanted to do and reading the comments, other people had the same feeling in other industries, it’s so common and so frustrating that so many of the work force feel like this, and yet we’re not exactly in an economy to push for more and feel guitly for asking for more
i took the plunge when I got back and suddenly the world changed in my head.
I was happier, I was freer, I was scared but it was good, i was exhausted an couldn’t feel much so took a month just watching netflix and feeling burnt out but feeling FREE… free to just go to the pub, free to just chill and see what I wanted, but then it hit me… what do I do now. what do I do next.
again the power fo the internet, the mistress that had kept me warm on my coldest nights
a long long time ago while soul searching i’d found this article
I didn’t think much of it a the time, but decided to give it a go.. it took me 4 attempts before i started to feel it was doing any good, it was teaching me to believe I could do anything I wanted to now, that each little step foward was going to get me to my goal, again mark manson turned up with his do something princple… do ANYTHING.. just doing anything would push you forward.
So now i sit here… 3 months in thinking… what next…
do I still want to be a sysadmin
do I still want to be in tech
do I want to do something creative.
how well do my skills translate
who am I
what I am
where am I going
and the reality is this..
it doesn’t fucking matter… do you know why.. for all the bullshit in the world.. you WILL find a job. but you have to be grateful for what you have… finding any job is still A job… be afraid to fail at a few things.
people will say, oh yeah it’s easy when you have money behind you, sure it is, but if you need a break… take a break, knowing you will find a job. don’t sit there complaining nothing is changing, you’re the architect of your own life.
I’m the architect of my own life. I decided to write this blog… I decided to level up.. I decided to start my own company, I don’t know how to do most of those things… but fuck it.. i’ll give it a go. there’s plenty of arseholes in the world that want to critise but you know what, if that’s all they can do, they are small and weak and pathetic.
I decided to take that list I wrote to see what of those I could invest , not spend money on.. INVEST in … ( again thanks mr manson )
i asked do I want to contract or have a permanent job
do I want to travel . what realllllly matters to me.
and I don’t know. but you know what… now I can find out. and the first step for me, find out what my values are again, find out what my boundaries are again, find out waht I will not accept from a company from a worker from a colleague from myself, from parents from life from government, becuase all of that will push me towards my purpose, not that I believe in purpose more, just being a decent human being atht wants everyone to work together for the greater good… the dvision in society fucks me off, censorship fucks me off, the justice system fucks me off, post colonolaism fucks me off, shitty people fuck me off, noise fucks me off.
I am going to write, I am going to sit in places and look at the world. I’m going to draw , I’m going to read, I’m going to level up my skills. I’m going to arse about with both my raspberry pis still in their boxes. I’m going to clear my flat out of all the junk i’m holding onto. I’m going to do self work. to be fair I’ve been doing that a while but now I have hoest time to do that and writing genuinely makes me feel better. typign has an odd comfort factor for me.
I want to do something useful, something game changing. I want to make a film. I want to make a comic I want to make music all of these I can do. I have kit aquired over time. I have skills I already have developed… so.. what do I do now… anything I damn well please… and so can you.
if you have family etc. then talk to them about it , build up some funds if you’re able, say you need this time and to allow you space to grow.. but for god sake DON’T WASTE THE OPPORTUNITY. I did that for too many times in too many was..
how you do anything is how you do everything to quote someone I can’t fricken remember.
but the key to all this after quitting is… DO NOTHING.. don’t make ANY decisions while you’re in mourning. Don’t jump from one frying pan to another. you’ll only end up back in the same place you were before. and justifying it saying… but but but I need to busy… no you don’t . you only need to be distracted. sometimes stopping… just standing still will help you see your way forward, because even if you are falling/failing, you’re moving FORWARD.